A few years ago, we came across an article in the Sunday New York Times Magazine that has stayed with us. It was a “tip” from Malia Wollan entitled How to Get Preschoolers to Share. It caught our attention—then and now—because even today, we continue to see a culture of meanness and selfishness in the world. And as the article reminded us, those tendencies can, and often do, take root during the earliest stages of life.
Children are very quick to learn what they live. Since many retirees are also grandparents (with young grandchildren being adored and, let’s be honest, spoiled by us), the story poses a very poignant and important question: how can we, as grandparents, help teach these youngsters about sharing and generosity while they are still in their formative years?
Talk About It
According to Markus Paulus, a professor of developmental psychology at Ludwig Maximilian University in Munich, we need to “Talk to kids about how other people feel.”
In order to foster empathetic behaviours, such as sharing, helping, kindness and comforting others, children need to learn about feelings. Children need to try to understand how their actions affect others’ feelings, as well as their own.
Early Development – Toddlers
One study that Paulus thinks illustrates how these qualities can be nurtured in toddlers is when parents (or grandparents) read picture books to a toddler, they make a point to ask the child to label and talk about the emotions in the pictures.
Asking questions such as “How does the doggy look when he’s given a bone? Do you think he feels happy?” and “Does that make you feel happy too?” encourages a toddler to think and express not only their own feelings but also consider the feelings of the subject and what it means to share. The results show that these youngsters tended to share more quickly and more often with others in alternative situations, like at the playground or at daycare.
Pre-Schoolers
Paulus also conducted a set of studies in which 3-to-6-year olds were presented with a variety of sharing situations. Stickers and colourful balloons were used as the props. When he asked the group to think about and imagine what it feels like for another child to be shared with or not shared with, these children were more generous. Apparently, he also found that these kids expressed that they felt good about it.
Our Role
Children do look to us as their role models. So try to find visible ways to show how sharing and generosity can be part of their daily behaviour.
For example: donating money is great. However, it’s how you do it, that matters. Especially in the eyes of children.
According to Paulus, “When it comes to pre-schoolers and young children, these kinds of gestures don’t count as teachable or imitable behaviour.”
What is imitable, teachable and will enhance a child’s learning process is if Grandma collects the money in a jar, and then you two carry it together down to the homeless shelter. Or, you both fill a shopping bag with non perishable food and drop it off at the local food bank.
You’re a better role model if you show your generosity and ability to share through concrete action – rather than doing your charity work online and simply pressing a button. Your grandchildren will follow suit.
Morals & Identity
Most children, before they are 4, have a nascent (hidden) desire to share with those who are perceived to have less, according to Paulus. They begin building their moral identity well before school age. He found that even 1-2 year olds, if given little tasks to do around the home, who are encouraged to share their toys and treats, will grow into individuals who are more likely to help others as they get older.
As he puts it: “To become an aspect of your identity, something needs to be part of your routine.”
We, as grandparents, can play a part in making that routine and identity happen!